In one of his ballads, Jim Croce warned that there are four things that you
just don’t do: “You don’t tug on Superman’s cape/ You don’t spit into the wind/
You don’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger/ And you don’t mess around
with Jim.” He could have added a fifth warning to that list: “And you don’t let a
pistol-packing mother catch you naked in her daughter’s closet.”
It gets better:
It all started with a phone call.2 Nineteen-year-old Uzuri Collier called
Larry Butler, who was of a similar age, and invited him to her house. Butler
responded to the invitation the way most young men over the age of consent
would have—he went. Once Butler was at Uzuri’s house, he and she consented to
watch television for a while. Then they consented to do what young couples alone
in a house have been consenting to do since the memory of man (and woman)
runneth not to the contrary. The record does not disclose how long these two
young people had known each other in the dictionary sense, but that afternoon in
Uzuri’s bedroom they also knew each other in the biblical sense. While doing so,
and while clothed in the manner that is customary in such matters, which is to say
not at all, they heard someone coming into the house.
The opinion is packed with this sort of fun writing, and it ends this way:
The amended complaint and Butler’s briefs leave no doubt that he feels
mistreated, and with what appears to be some justification. If the allegations are
true, Collier’s treatment of Butler was badder than old King Kong and meaner
than a junkyard dog. She might even have acted like the meanest hunk of woman
anybody had ever seen. Still, the fact that the mistreatment was mean does not
mean that the mistreatment was under color of law. Because the alleged
mistreatment of Butler was not inflicted under color of law, the district court
correctly dismissed his § 1983 claims. Butler will have to seek his remedies under
state law and in state court.
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